Sunday, June 13, 2010

The Kitchen Sink, Vol. Two

About a month ago, Miss Allie Brosh posted "Things That Make You Feel Like an Idiot Almost Instantly." I'd like to add one to her (genius) list: When You Step Into a Room (Or Get in a Car) and Your Glasses Instantly Steam Up.

Whenever this happens to me, even if no one else is around, it makes me feel like such a dweeb. I have worn glasses since I was in the second grade. I love my glasses. I need my glasses. I am blind and strangely un-me without my glasses. But when they steam up and make me look all dweeby? I would gladly toss them in a wood chipper. Except they generally cost me about $400 a pair. And also? I would be all blind. So I really wouldn't.

This guy, Kevin Cotter? His wife left him. And when she packed up her stuff? She left her wedding dress in the closet. Kevin was all, "You forgot your dress." And his ex was all, "You can keep it. Do whatever you want with it." And then Kevin was all, Game on, byotch! So now he uses the dress for handy things like pasta straining. Check it out.

Michael said the funniest thing to me today. He wanted to know if I was "available" for some "quality time." I told him no, I still have (TMI!) my period. And he said, "Still?" And I said, "Yes." My birth control pills? Really jack up my menstrual cycle. I hate them and I will be switching brands immediately (just as soon as I schedule that lady parts doctor appointment.) But I digress. And then Michael said, "That's not a period, that's an ellipsis!" Ha! Touché, honey. Touché.

I was reading Scarlett a new library book, Time Out, Buzzy, by Harriet Ziefert. I got no further than the very first page, in which we discover that Buzzy's mother tells him to eat his dinner and Buzzy crosses his arms and says, "I don't want to eat!" when Scarlett bursts out, "His family is mean to him!" WTF? Apparently, we are mean to her because we give her time outs. That's what I take from that. She knew where that story was headed.

Dear Coke, why do you torment me? Why are you so refreshing and yet so, so evil? I don't believe that you no longer add cocaine to your syrupy goodness, because you are more addictive than... than... okay, I've never tried drugs. But you are addicting. And these caffeine headaches are killing me. So stop, okay? If you loved me, you'd let me go.

Does anyone who has a family watch ABC Family? Please say no. You couldn't possibly. "A new kind of family" my ass. The shows they have on that channel? Do not count as family programming. In fact, I think they should rename it ABC Skanks. It'd be more honest.

Well. It is very late now (or is it very early?) and my head hurts, both from getting schooled by a teenager at Scrabble and the two Cokes that I was too weak to resist enjoyed along with it. Join me next Sunday for more "Kitchen Sink" (and in between for some mildly amusing anecdotes.) Zzzzzz....


  1. I hated the glasses steaming up thing too; it totally makes you feel like an idiot. That’s why I’ve only worn contacts since I was 15 or so. I don’t care if my eyes are bleeding I’ll jamb the contacts in.

  2. Maybe Scarlett thought the family was mean for making him eat his food. She probably related to him because she also never wants to finish her food.

  3. @zodiblog - I tried contacts in middle school. I had to wear the hard kind (I guess they hadn't invented the soft ones for astigmatism yet) and it did not go well. Now I just prefer my glasses. But it would be awesome if I could get Lasik and actually be able to see something if I wake up in the middle of the night! But I would still want to wear glasses. Like Drew Carey.

    @Michael - Maybe, but still. WTF? She thinks we are mean to her? No way!