Wednesday, June 23, 2010
"It was... soap poisoning!"
So, instead, I will post about how Michael has accused me of swearing too much in my blog.
He read yesterday's post, and he frowned. "Why are you using the F-word all the time? Shouldn't you have said Allie-freaking-Brosh, instead?"
WTF? "Why?" I said. "I swear in real life all the time."
For some reason? Michael was all skeptical. "You do?"
"Yes." Hello? Has he not known me for like, five years? I swear. "I typed the F-word, and then I erased it, and then I thought, 'No, that's how I would really say it,' so I put it back in."
"Say it," he said. Now he needs proof that I swear? So I say it. But when someone demands that you swear? You do not sound at all natural. He frowned. "I don't know, babe. It just doesn't seem like you."
"Did you read my post about making dinner? When I said I planned ahead like motherfucking adult?"
"Yeah. And I was like, 'Why is she swearing so much?'"
Sigh. "If I type out 'freaking' instead of saying the F-word? It looks retarded. Because that's not how I talk. And I'm talking to adults. Adults read my blog. Not five-year-olds." He shrugged. He didn't look convinced.
So apparently, I need my mouth washed out with soap. Sigh.
I remember in one of my Psychology classes, our professor would show us episodes of "Penn & Teller: Bullshit!" And one of them was about swearing. They spoke to this lady who had a campaign against using profanity in public places, and she had this cute little sign made up with "$*@!" and a "NO" symbol over it. She took the sign around to businesses and asked the owners to post it. And you know what else? She wanted people to stop using swear words. "If you have the urge to swear," she said, "you should say, Santa vaca!" And she proudly explained how that means "holy cow" in Spanish.
WTF? If everyone said Santa vaca when they wanted to swear? Then Santa vaca would be a swear word. Duh. But substitution seems to make people happy. It worked for Norman Mailer, who had to change every single "fuck" to "fug" to get The Naked and the Dead published. And Battlestar Galactica could say whatever the frak they wanted, as long as they were saying "frak."
I stewed over it all day long. I started thinking that maybe when Michael said my swearing sounded "wrong," what he really meant was that it sounds like I am trying too hard. Trying too hard to be funny. Trying too hard to be "cool." (I am so not cool.)
I am trying hard. I want my blog to be good. I want people to keep coming back, to see what I will say next. It's like in Juno, when Juno tells Paulie Bleeker that she's in love with him, and he asks whether she means she loves him as a friend, and Juno says, "No... I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know..." And then Bleeker says, "I try really hard, actually." Doesn't everyone try really hard, when something is important to them?