Wednesday, June 23, 2010

"It was... soap poisoning!"

Since today is Scarlett's 3rd birthday? I was going to post the story of my labor. But then I decided that would be way boring. And I'm not even going to comment on the fact that yesterday's post got no comments. I believe that's called irony, y'all. Well played.

So, instead, I will post about how Michael has accused me of swearing too much in my blog.

He read yesterday's post, and he frowned. "Why are you using the F-word all the time? Shouldn't you have said Allie-freaking-Brosh, instead?"

WTF? "Why?" I said. "I swear in real life all the time."

For some reason? Michael was all skeptical. "You do?"

"Yes." Hello? Has he not known me for like, five years? I swear. "I typed the F-word, and then I erased it, and then I thought, 'No, that's how I would really say it,' so I put it back in."

"Say it," he said. Now he needs proof that I swear? So I say it. But when someone demands that you swear? You do not sound at all natural. He frowned. "I don't know, babe. It just doesn't seem like you."

"Did you read my post about making dinner? When I said I planned ahead like motherfucking adult?"

"Yeah. And I was like, 'Why is she swearing so much?'"

Sigh. "If I type out 'freaking' instead of saying the F-word? It looks retarded. Because that's not how I talk. And I'm talking to adults. Adults read my blog. Not five-year-olds." He shrugged. He didn't look convinced.

So apparently, I need my mouth washed out with soap. Sigh.

I remember in one of my Psychology classes, our professor would show us episodes of "Penn & Teller: Bullshit!" And one of them was about swearing. They spoke to this lady who had a campaign against using profanity in public places, and she had this cute little sign made up with "$*@!" and a "NO" symbol over it. She took the sign around to businesses and asked the owners to post it. And you know what else? She wanted people to stop using swear words. "If you have the urge to swear," she said, "you should say, Santa vaca!" And she proudly explained how that means "holy cow" in Spanish.

WTF? If everyone said Santa vaca when they wanted to swear? Then Santa vaca would be a swear word. Duh. But substitution seems to make people happy. It worked for Norman Mailer, who had to change every single "fuck" to "fug" to get The Naked and the Dead published. And Battlestar Galactica could say whatever the frak they wanted, as long as they were saying "frak."

I stewed over it all day long. I started thinking that maybe when Michael said my swearing sounded "wrong," what he really meant was that it sounds like I am trying too hard. Trying too hard to be funny. Trying too hard to be "cool." (I am so not cool.)

I am trying hard. I want my blog to be good. I want people to keep coming back, to see what I will say next. It's like in Juno, when Juno tells Paulie Bleeker that she's in love with him, and he asks whether she means she loves him as a friend, and Juno says, "No... I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know..." And then Bleeker says, "I try really hard, actually." Doesn't everyone try really hard, when something is important to them?


  1. First of all I’ve never understood bad words. What makes a word bad? It’s not like ‘fuck’ snuck off from alphabet prison one night and ….well… fucked a bunch of nuns or something. It’s just a word, a series of letters strung together to make a distinct, recognizable sound.

    Secondly, fuck is the most expressive and versatile word in the English language. It can effectively be used as a noun, verb or adjective. And for me personally, it adds a multi-letter exclamation point to whatever it is that I’m trying to motherfucking say.

  2. I don't know WTF Michael was talking about. Swearing, alot? Maybe it's the Bjostad side, cause I apparently swear alot too.
    So there ya go, a damn comment on your blog ;)

  3. Ok, I am going to try to comment, I tried before and couldn't get it right. First I am sorry, but I have to agree with Michael here (it might be a sign of the apocalypse) but you don't generally go around cursing, unless you are cursing in your head and I don't hear it. Through the time I've known you, you don't go around cursing on a general basis, but we are around the kids a lot, yet before then I didn't notice you doing it a whole lot. I guess I am saying not as much percentage wise as you are cursing in the blogs, you don't generally open your mouth and profanity spews forth, you open your mouth and generally ingenuity and wit just pours out.
    On a different note, I love the F word, you know that, its my all time favorite curse word, saying it is completely satisfactory. I have had to try really hard (and I generally do worse than Chad) to not curse. It just releases the steam, like a curse word off take valve or something. "FFFFFFFFFF" and the phst sound of steam releasing from my brain is so satisfying. But I have to agree about not cursing in public places, it is actually against the law and considering there are often young children around (remember our Harry Potter experience with all the cursing Goths trying so hard to be cool? surrounded by young children trying so hard to just be kids?). After a certain level, cursing in public is just plain immature and trashy, I don't want to have to explain why my 3 year old uses a word I don't, (obviously not the F word I am trying I really am, its just like the equivalent to verbal chocolate and I swear, no pun intended, I don't use it in public, and very seldom around Carson).

    On the trying so hard thing, I don't know if you realize how completely cool you are. You are so so so FUNNY! and Witty! and SMART! Who you are naturally is incredible and often highly entertaining. I think when that translates on the page, with or without the cursing, you always strike gold!

  4. how do you post a damn comment on here?

  5. oh, so I can choose anonymous, since I dont have any other kind of profile, apparently... Love Mom

  6. Look...I obviously cuss the most of any of us, and I don't have a filter on my mouth. People either know it's me and get used to it, or they get their panties in a knot and stop talking to me....since my life has been 9 - 1 in favor of putting up with me, I guess it is worth losing the 1 every now and then. I don't have a problem with the F word, or your use of it. It doesn't sound like you are trying too hard, I just feel the word is strange coming from you since you don't throw it around very much at all. Maybe you think you do...but it rarely makes and appearance.

    I do think we need to take some words back. I am tired of people getting sooo offended by fuck, as if it is a worse cuss word than words like shit or damn. And as far as using it around some point you have to teach kids that adults are not children and there is a difference in what a child is allowed to do and what an adult does. I don't know anyone who became a mass murderer or whatever because they heard their parents say a naughty word. It is so stupid for people to feel they have to somehow alter who they are in front of their kids. I am me. Love me, hate me, tolerate me...I don't care, but you will never be confused about who I am.

    I am not saying to scream cuss words AT your kids, but if they hear me say, "That fucking bitch actually told ME to shut-up!"...I think they should be able to discern that it is acceptable for an adult, and not their place to correct me by saying, "Daddy, you said a bad word, and I don't approve." Seriously? Who is running the house? I don't live according to their standards, they live according to our standards until they have their own home and set their own rules in it.

    I digress...Megan, you can use whatever words you want. I just don't hear you cuss as much as you think you do, and I mentioned it because it sounded un-Megan-like...but I have no problem with it at all. I love you, dirty mouth and all. :)

  7. Love the title!

  8. Well you swear a lot to me when you are msn'ing me! Maybe it's got to do with the internet..I have no idea what you sound like or how you talk in real life but it sounds totatlly you to me when you swear in your blog!

    Oh and I love the "f" word to but I think I use it too much because if I swear these days people can't tell if I am mad or not... :S

  9. Oh michael, we will never ever agree on parenting. And that is just fine, you used to constantly tell me how great Ryker was and also enjoy telling me what a joy Carson is, so it must be ok. I do alter part of who I am for the kids because they are more important than certain things I did before them, you have also. You don't do some of the things you did before you had kids, it's part of parenting, no matter what your style is. I am trying to raise my boys to be gentlemen in a world that lacks in honor and kindness and to raise them to stand on their own one day, in a way that they will be happy and have a good life. I think cursing in public is childish, it shows a lack of concern for other people and a lack of respect, both self and for others, as well as a lack of being able to control one's self. Now if you choose to curse in front of your kids, that's your choice, but to force personal choices on others is intrusive. It would be like someone coming to your house and forcing you on a hike. The changes I made (no drinking, going out all the time, and at times cursing) were just made to attempt to be a good example for our children and this is all Chad and I are trying to do. We most certainly don't always succeed, but we really want to try to make them better than we were, help them know better than to make the same mistakes we did so they don't have to suffer through them. Not so they don't have to suffer, because that is part of life of course, but just that we prepare them for some of it. And so we choose to keep them kids for a while and to protect them while also preparing them. We will never agree on parenting, and that's ok, I don't expect or ask you to change and I don't expect you to ask me to change. And we love you and Megan and those three beautiful girls very much. Now you will have to find a way for us to see you more than every six months!

    Megan you are a saint! ;-) kidding. And you don't curse out loud often, but I know I am often thinking it myself. Good thing we don't know any mind readers I would be in BIG trouble! and not just for the cursing!

  10. @Heather - there is lots of cursing in my head. Lots. And yes, we are always around children. Sigh. And whenever I have tried to swear anyway? Diaperman gets all huffy. So I gave up.

    @Anon-Mom - You are hilars. I told you on FB that you could choose "Name/URL" and type your name, then leave URL blank. You don't have to keep being Anon. But it's amusing me anyway.

  11. @Michael - You think my mouth is dirty either way, you germophobe. I might as well say all the filthy words I want! I guess you don't hear me swear as much as I think you do because the kids are always around. But I am thinking them.

    @Anon - A Christmas Story has the best. Quotes. Ever. And if I had to get my mouth washed out with soap every time I swore? I would SO be tragically blind. Thanks!

  12. @Bindy - Yaaaay! Someone who knows I have a filthy mouth! Haha! You're right, it's the Internet; the kids can't hear me so I can say whatever the hell I want! Yesss!

    @Heather-again - At least you two will always have My Fair Lady. Snort. Yes, mind readers would be big trouble for me. Don't anyone fall into nuclear waste and get magical powers, please.

  13. @ Heather,

    There are things I have quit doing, like smoking weed or doing coke...but that is totally different than cussing. As an adult, I can say what I want without being questioned by a child. I work and spend most of my time around soldiers. Fuck isn't even really a cuss word on Fort Benning, but a common part of the vocabulary. I will tell my children not to use those words, but once they are grown, I doubt I will be aghast if they use the words around me. Words only have the power that we give them. If we totally got rid of fuck, and started using frak, it would still be considered a bad word, and that is stupid.

  14. While I agree that it is super satisfying to belt out some A-,S-, and F-Bombs, I try not to curse as much as I can- mostly because I feel ignorant for not being able to express myself better. I try hard not to cuss around the kids (and rarely do at all) because I want them to be able to express themselves more intelligently too. They already emulate all my other bad habits. They will hear these words in movies and at school (I did), they don't need to hear them from me. Like Benning said, many cuss words aren't even cuss words anymore from being used SO much. Where's the power then? What's the point? I get really tired of movies these days that feel if they put a bunch of F-Bombs and penis jokes in it it's automatically funny (looking at you Judd Apatow). It's not. It's just juvenile and unoriginal.
    I curse like crazy under my breath and in my head all day long, but I am in a supervisory position and could get in serious trouble if I'm not careful (Michael obviously has a different clientele and staff so has more freedom). I'll NEVER judge anyone else for their habits though, just as I'd rather they not judge us.
    Shit, was that too long?

  15. Aww honey, you write really long stuff too! hehehe. Though I am ridiculously bad at brevity. Megan, you just don't curse much, even before the kids (well your kids came along, because I had Ryker). I mean before I had Ry and especially when I was pregnant with him, I cursed enough to make a sailor blush. My friends said the baby was going to come out cursing. But I did quit as best I could and then slid back down after meeting someone (not you Megan but he who should never be named hahaha GOTHIKA). I don't have any concern or opinion on people cursing in general except for in public places, grocery stores, bookstores, family restaurants. That's all, because children do mirror what we do. And honestly my worst trait is screaming, I am a screamer, in all ways. I am just generally loud but when I get angry I take on a totally different horrible quality, my dad constantly tells me I sound like a pteradactyl. And that is my fault I try (and often fail)to control, I don't want my kids growing up to scream and yell at their kids or other people.

    I am assuming Diaperman must be Chad, since Michael isn't generally a diaper changer, though I think he's gotten better, with Sosie. I know its difficult with his germ thing. But Chad doesn't get huffy about it. And he is seldom around us. He stays in the appearance of constant huffiness even when he is perfectly happy. Which I have to say is down right confusing, its the Z eyebrows, makes him look perpetually ticked off. But we love him, regardless don't we. He gets in some pretty good zingers and makes killer steaks. And he loves the kids, your kids, our kids, and puts up with our girly giggling and regular rowdiness when he comes home from babysitting adults at work. (Aren't you SO glad we are out of there???? Just got to get him out too)

    Benning, once again, I have no problem with adults using those words, but just not in places where they affect children. Absolutely words retain the power we give them, but their infractions and our own attitudes in using them give power to the legacy we leave behind for our kids. How each parent chooses to use them and teach their children about them is their own prerogative and there is never any one perfect parenting plan, not for all families or all children, different things work for different people. But I have to tell you if I used that word in front of MY momma, I would seriously get soap for Christmas in my stocking to wash my mouth out with, no joke. She has done this to her siblings. But she grew up in a really difficult situation and was the parent for her parents and her siblings, so she chose to do exactly opposite of what she went through and though I will never attain the same incredible level of parenting she did for me and my sister and all those she comes in contact with, her example is something that makes me want to try and makes me stronger. Without her example I would never have been so incredibly lucky to meet Megan and Michael and my god daughters I love so much (and help delivered, ok I didn't really help, I mean Megan is like a Warrior MAMA seriously, I just stood there in awe).
    I don't expect anyone to change their habits on my opinion, but I also don't expect anyone to think I will change my parenting on their opinions. I am trying to follow my parents incredible example (any mistakes I have made are my own, not theirs.I want my kids to respect other people and part of that is with the cursing in inappropriate places. That's all.

    Ah Megan, someday you will watch My Fair Lady! But you know Michael and I prefer Streisand! ;-) Also congratulations you got your comments!!!! So Abby effing (isn't that how you spelled that show?) whatshername, you better watch out! You should draw a picture of Michael and his germ-phobia and attach it to one of these! Ooooh or chad's eyebrows or my pteradactyl thing, that would be so funny.
    Oh sorry, told you I stink at being brief. Chad just asked if I was writing my manifesto.hahaha

  16. I am Benning...I was signed in for my club's Facebook account, and forgot to change before posting. I guess I treat cussing the same way I treat environment issues. I don't fault people for being overly cautious, but I don't buy into it myself. I don't care if people decide to never say a cuss word for the rest of their lives, but I don't expect them to look down on me for saying dirty words. If they do,'s ok because I am not the type to lose a bunch of sleep over the people who choose not to like me. I love the shit out of myself.

    And before everyone gets defensive, I have never felt that anyone posting here has shunned me because of my direct connection of mind to mouth. I am aware of the lack of filter, and I think most of the people who know me are aware of the fact that I don't censor myself.

    Chad is right. I run a night club. The atmosphere is totally different from Ruby Tuesday. Here, I can talk pretty freely. I had the Post Commanding General come in for the last UFC PPV, and we were talking about the fight. One of the managers from lofging came up while we were talking and I was talking about wanting to see Franklin knocked the fuck out, and she was aghast. She came up and said, "Michael!" The General looked back at her and said, "Are you serious?" and we laughed. I mean, I wouldn't cuss AT him, but its a bar full of soldiers. That just carries over to how I am all the time. I mean, I like the way FREAKING sounds, too, so sometimes I use that instead of fucking just because I like it. I also like to say Fracking, and sometimes I use FUUUUUUDGE just because I love "A Christmas Story".

    My parents weren't really potty-mouths, but they did make it clear to us that there were grown-up words and child words, and at no point was it ok for one of us children to correct an adult for using an adult word. It wasn't our place. I guess I really agree with that. There are plenty of things like that. I smoke, but it is not ok for my kids to touch cigarettes. I watch R rated movies, but my kids can't watch them. I can put stuff in or take stuff out of the kids can not do that yet. If language allows me to teach my kids another lesson about boundaries, then that is fine by me. When they get old enough to make decisions for themselves, we can readdress the boundary issue, and see if any can be moved further or if any need to be drawn in closer. That's just part of being a parent.

    And no, I am not a diaperman...I do what is necessary, but if the option is there for Megan to do it, she does it. It's not really laziness, it has a little to do with not wanting to touch germy crap. It has a little to do with us only having daughters. It has a lot to do with our roles as parents. Megan is great at the cuddling and feeding and changing...while my greatness lies in dancing around like a fool, playing tag in the house, hiding under blanket tents from Mommy, and making up crazy songs that I sing with Scarlett. It works for us.

  17. Oh, and didn't we watch "My Fair Lady"? I think I made Megan watch it with me, and she still didn't think it was anything special. I don't understand that. I think it was a great story, and I still think they should remake it with someone. Maybe Jennifer Hudson now that Queen Latifa is too old. They could have her come in speaking total ebonics, and bet that one of the guys could teach her to talk correctly, and be accepted by some socialite club by the end of the movie.

    In the straightest way possible, I have to admit that I love Babs. Everything from "What's Up, Doc" to "Hello Dolly" to "Funny Girl"...I didn't care for her later in life stuff, but young Streisand is the best.

  18. Michael You have GOT to sell that idea to a studio about My Fair Lady and Oh heck yeah, Babs is the best! Young Babs especially. Even in that wacko "On a Clear Day You can See Forever". He later stuff, I don't know, it just seems like she lost touch with reality.
    I was aware of the germ thing and it is TOTALLY different with boys than girls, yikes! In lots of ways, especially the changing part. Mostly it sounds like your post and my post agree completely, different things work for different families and for different kids. (Sometimes it feels like NOTHING works for Carson, but bless him, he is so much fun and SO cute). Chad's role is the outside stuff, mine is the theme stuff and uh birthday parties and christmas and the boo boos and that sort of thing. My parents didn't curse much in front of us and they didn't fight in front of us and it was more about respecting others, that was their view. It isn't that cursing as an adult is a problem with me or in adult situations, but in places where you are affecting other people who might choose differently for their kids. THough I do have a bad problem of disciplining other people's kids if they affect my kids like when the other parents aren't even paying attention or parenting (AAAARRRRRGGGHHHH! Watch your own kids people! Drives me so crazy. Maybe cuz I have to keep one eye open at night to keep it on Carson at all times, that boy is so busy, love him love him).

    You tried to get Megan to watch My Fair Lady and she said she got bored, how is that possible, its Audrey Hepburn, a make-over and a musical all in one, that spells perfection for me! (hehehehe). But we will have to get her to watch Funny Girl, Hello Dolly, What's up doc and the one with the boxer, which is that?

    Hey I love the heck out of my self too, and what I don't like I attempt to change, but for me. And luckily, we all love you and Megan just as you are. YAY! McZeunger Manor here we come!

  19. @Heather-for-the-fourth-time - I enjoyed Hello, Dolly and What's Up, Doc (that's the one with the suitcases and Ryan O'Neal, right???) and we ALSO watched The Owl and the Pussycat, have you seen that one? I know, I love a good makeover, but I don't know, I just got bored. *shrugs*

  20. Yeah, "What's Up Doc" is the one with the suitcases...great movie....and Babs was so hot back then (but not as hot as my wife).

    The Main Event was the boxer movie with Barbara and Ryan O'Neil (the guy she got with in WUD). I can't remember it, so we might need to get it from the library or Netflix.