Thursday, June 17, 2010

Brownies Are Not Nice. Not Nice at All.

Have you ever thought you were doing something nice for someone, and then been shocked to hear that they were actually upset with you for doing it? This happens to me a lot. Since I would rather not talk about my job on this blog (wouldn't want to get "dooced" like Heather B. Armstrong) I can't tell you about the times this has happened at work.

Instead? I will tell you about the time that my ex got inexplicably, extraordinarily, foaming-mouth mad at me over a brownie. Yes, a brownie.

Here's what happened.

I was living with my ex, who we'll call "Stan." Stan used to have a roommate, who was also one of his best friends, who we'll call "Kirk." When I first started dating Stan, he and Kirk were roommates. They also worked together. So the three of us were hanging out quite a bit. Then Stan moved out and, eventually, I moved in with him. But we still saw Kirk quite a bit, especially since they both worked in the same mall.

As you would, I considered Kirk to also be my friend. If I went to the mall to visit Stan? I would also say hello to Kirk when I happened to be passing by his store, which was on the way to the food court.

One day? When I was passing by, on my way to the food court, and I stopped to say hello to Kirk? He mentioned that it was his birthday. I was all, "Happy Birthday, I had no idea." Because I didn't. Then I continued on to Chick-Fil-A. While I was standing in line, waiting to order my chicken salad sandwich, I was staring at the menu board. And I noticed the brownies. I thought to myself, "Hey. I will buy a brownie. And I will give it to Kirk for his birthday." Everyone likes brownies, don't they?

So I did that. I bought my food, and I ate it, and then before I left the mall, I gave Kirk the brownie. I said, again, "Happy Birthday."

When I went home, and saw Stan? I said to him, "Hey. Kirk told me it was his birthday. So I gave him a brownie." Because if I hadn't mentioned it, then it would be weird. Right? Like the giving of a brownie was something that should be all secretive. I didn't want that. So I told Stan about it, all happily, like listen-to-what-your-awesome-girlfriend-did. Because I thought it was nice. Nice, people!

But Stan got all frowny. And then he started yelling at me about how wrong it was to give Kirk a brownie.

I was all, WTF? It was a brownie. From Chick-Fil-A. That cost, like, $1.69 or something. It's not as if I heard it was Kirk's birthday and went all Betty Crocker on it, whipping up a batch of homemade brownies. I bought it. On a whim. From a fast-food establishment.

But that made no difference to Stan. Apparently, this was something that I needed to apologize for. Apparently, this was something I should never, ever do again.

All these years later? I am still baffled as to what, exactly, I did wrong. 


  1. That's dated "Stan". When someone as perfect as you dates someone with low self-esteem, you have to expect a measure of possessiveness. I mean, it only takes one mirror to remind him that he didn't deserve you....that has to be a hard life for a guy.

    The best solution, for anyone with a boyfriend who has low self-esteem, buy two brownies. Take one to "Kirk", and one to "Stan" and tell them both that they should wait and eat them together at the food court.

    Of course, you can rejoice that you found the perfect match for your perfection, and now you never have to worry about walking on eggshells about brownies.

  2. @Michael - It's not really fair for you to comment on this, because a] you are biased, and b] you have additional information that unfortunately I cannot post on this blog. Because it is rather un-PG-rated. But I love your aupport anyway!

  3. Damn, I had some witty zingers all queued up and ready to go until I read your friend’s comment. Which was ironically basically what I was going to say. Dude #2 had zero confidence and was afraid that you still held feelings for Dude #1. The brownie gift was the equivalent to an offer of free sex to the jealous, no confidence guy.

    He should learn that sometimes a brownie is just a brownie.

  4. @zodiblog - A brownie AND free sex? Now THAT'S a birthday gift! Thanks, Scott!

  5. I agree with your friend, it's all about the low self-esteem issue. I was married to such a man for almost 10 years (rather I should say I was "miserable" for 10 years). The jealousy thing is just something that does not work in a relationship, period. Thank goodness, he's your ex. Now, how about a round of brownies for everyone? LOL

  6. @mylittlemiracle - I can't remember whether the Brownie Incident happened during our unhappy phase, but I do know? That we should have broken up about a year before we did. And brownies? I'm in. Thanks!