Tuesday, July 20, 2010

"I Enjoy 'Erotica' If That's What You Mean." UPDATED!

I have tried to write this post so many times. But it always came off weird and creepy. So I always ended up deleting it. But it always has that title. Because that is an awesome quote from one of the awesomest shows ever made.

If you know where it comes from, and you have not cheated with Google and your name is not Heather? You are so awesome. Well, Heather is awesome, too. But I know that she knows the answer. She is like that annoying kid in class, when the teacher asks a question, and she is waving her arm around wildly because she knows it. And everyone knows that she knows it, including the teacher. But the teacher is looking for someone else to contribute, and the waving goes on, ignored. (Heather? You are not annoying. That kid? Way annoying. Just to be clear.)

So why am I posting it this time? Why is it not sitting forlornly in the Recycle Bin, wishing bitterly that it was just as pretty as all my other posts? Because I thought of a new angle. An angle which I am hoping is much less weird and creepy.

I recently started another attempt at a novel. I never tell people what my stories are about while I'm writing them. When I have made this mistake in the past? It always came out sounding incredibly stupid. And then? Because I had told someone the story? That powerful urge to write the story, to get it out on paper and really make it come alive, just sort of fades away.

But I was daydreaming, as I always do, about completing this novel. And getting it published. And having people buy it. And having things like an author website, and signings, and Q & A's with my eager readers. People always want to know where you get your ideas. Especially where you got the idea for that particular book. Errr... next question, please?

I got the idea for my story from an erotic fiction book. Yep. My tame, young adult-oriented story. From erotica. Yep.

I don't usually read that genre of books. But lots of people do. I have worked with books before. And those books? They fly off the shelves. So a couple weeks ago, I saw one of these books on a shelf. I wondered what all the fuss was about, so I read the back cover. The summary sounded interesting enough. So I got it, took it home, and read it.

The story? Really pissed me off. Basically, it's about this guy and this girl. They are stepbrother and stepsister (their parents married when they were older, like teenagers, but they had known each other for a long time.) The guy and the girl were attracted to each other, but the guy was inappropriately older than the girl, so he went into the Navy to make sure he didn't do anything stupid. This is all backstory, by the way. When the book begins, the guy is finally coming home from the Navy, and he expects to finally "claim" his girl, who is no longer jailbait. Except that while he was gone, the girl was victimized by a crazy stalker dude, and is now terrified of men in general. Which really puts a kink in the guy's manly claiming plans.

So the guy decides that the way to cure her of her fear? Is to get her to have a foursome with him and his cousins. Snort. Are you kidding me?! Really? REALLY??? I'm not even sure why I finished reading it. Oh, wait. I know why. Because if you dangle the possibility of a "devil's foursome" involving blood-related cousins in front of me? I am so going to find out whether it happens.

So, back to my original problem. Since there is no possible way I can explain that book, or even mention that book, in any sort of combination with my book (if it ever gets published, or heck, completed)? I will have to lie. I will go with that whole spiel about how ideas come from everywhere and you can find inspirations wherever you look. Maybe that's why authors have come up with that stock response. So that their readers don't know that the first, small kernel of their story came from a book with a WARNING label on the back of it.

The book that I read is part of a series. And even though it really pissed me off, with its incredibly asinine plot? I had to really stop myself from reading the other books the next time I saw them. You know, just to see if they were all that terrible.

Does anyone else have these kinds of imaginary problems?

[Editor's Note: I have no idea whether "Devil's Foursome" is the correct term for an orgy involving one girl and three guys. I know a Devil's Threesome is two guys and one girl, so I thought it would follow that the addition of one more penis would still be devilish. But when I Googled all these terms, the Urban Dictionary contradicted me with a term that, when I Googled it, did not match their definition. Eventually I grew weary of Googling pornographic terms and left my post the way it was. Italic sighs.]

UPDATE: If y'all have not been reading the comments? You so should. My genius friend Amanda just schooled me on coining pornographic terms (but to be fair, she reads a lot more, uh, "erotica" than I do.) From here forth? A sex orgy involving three guys and one girl will be called a "Devil's Pitchfork." I'm sure I'll find a reason to use it.