Friday, May 21, 2010

Things I Need But Am Too Embarrassed to Buy

You know how when you go to the store and you buy certain things, you feel like people will be all judgy? Or you buy some things that are perfectly innocent on their own, but combined on the checkout conveyor belt they seem... interesting?

Like if you needed whipped cream, batteries, a disposable camera, and Vaseline?

Are you getting ready for a wild night of monkey love?


Are you getting ready for a Halloween party? (Whipped cream for the pie, batteries for your stereo so you can play spooky sounds, a disposable camera to capture all those wacky costumes, and Vaseline to keep your carved pumpkins from rotting! Yaaay!)

But some things are not innocent all on their own. Some things are so embarrassing that I wouldn't buy them no matter how badly I was suffering. Like:

1. Beano

This product would sooo help me. My husband says when he comes to bed after I am already asleep and he lifts up the covers? A rancid cloud of trapped gas hits him square in the face. (I have no idea what he is talking about.) Beano could help me get some extra sleep-cuddles. But will I buy it? No. I don't want everyone in the store thinking I'm farty. I'm not. I swear.

2. Anti Monkey Butt Powder

Hunh. So that's what people call it. Monkey Butt.

When I noticed this on the shelves while I was waiting on antibiotics for Scarlett at the Walmart pharmacy counter? I was afraid to even laugh because I didn't want anyone to notice me looking at it. I will also not be buying this one, no matter how great the website says it is. Nope.

3. Moist Wipes Emblazoned with the Brand Name of a Toilet Paper, Such as Cottonelle

No thank you. I will continue to buy value-sized boxes of baby wipes, ahem, for my newborn. They do the same job, but make people picture sweet little baby bottoms instead of the alternative.

4. Preparation H

There's a reason "the H" makes lists of most-shoplifted products. I think it has to do with the word "preparation." Imagine if there was a brand of tampons called "Preparation V." I think I would have to object. Calling it "the H" almost makes it sound cool. Genius, right?

5. Adult diapers

Okay, so I don't need these right now. And I did read an article in this month's Parents magazine in which comedian Jay Mohr asserts they are awesome. But when I do need them? I doubt I will be buying them. Unless it is 2 minutes before store closing and there is no one there but a bunch of cashiers who are too busy staring at the clock to notice what the old lady is buying. Maybe then.

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