The Kitchen Sink, Vol. Three

This week coming up is an exciting week for us! Scarlett will be turning three! Yay, Scarlett! Plus also? The story of how Michael and I named Scarlett and Sosie will be featured on baby name blog Appellation Mountain on Saturday, June 26th. (Never fear, I shall remind you when it goes up and post a link.)

I am so damn jealous of Allie Brosh. So jealous! I think I need to rename my blog "The Allie Brosh Fan Club." Like she needs my help.

Michael wanted me to hear a new single from Eminem's upcoming album. I was all, "Meh." And he was all, "It's like he sings my life!" And I was like, "You know who sings my life? Taylor Swift." She's my other creativity crush. She is such a talented songwriter. As my bestie so nicely put it, "Every woman has felt, at some point in their lives, the way she sings about feeling." Preachin' to the choir, bestie.

I checked out two Nancy Drew books from the library the other day. Nancy Drew is the business, y'all. I got excited because they had a "The Nancy Drew Files" mystery on the shelf, and those are the very first Nancy Drew mysteries I read, courtesy of my older sister. I have major book nostalgia. Happy sighs.

Oh, and apparently it's Father's Day! Happy Father's Day, Michael! (And assorted other fathers.)

Michael, I will always love you for giving me our two perfect, beautiful girls. You are awesome at pretending your feet have been magicked, and at making up silly songs ("Oh, yeah!"), and at tickling. Plus also? You think of things that I never would have thought of. Like using Craiglist to find what turned out to be the best. Babysitter. Ever! Yay!

Sorry I can't get you a present. Perhaps you would like a brownie? **snorts**

The Kitchen Sink, Vol. Two

About a month ago, Miss Allie Brosh posted "Things That Make You Feel Like an Idiot Almost Instantly." I'd like to add one to her (genius) list: When You Step Into a Room (Or Get in a Car) and Your Glasses Instantly Steam Up.

Whenever this happens to me, even if no one else is around, it makes me feel like such a dweeb. I have worn glasses since I was in the second grade. I love my glasses. I need my glasses. I am blind and strangely un-me without my glasses. But when they steam up and make me look all dweeby? I would gladly toss them in a wood chipper. Except they generally cost me about $400 a pair. And also? I would be all blind. So I really wouldn't.

This guy, Kevin Cotter? His wife left him. And when she packed up her stuff? She left her wedding dress in the closet. Kevin was all, "You forgot your dress." And his ex was all, "You can keep it. Do whatever you want with it." And then Kevin was all, Game on, byotch! So now he uses the dress for handy things like pasta straining. Check it out.

Michael said the funniest thing to me today. He wanted to know if I was "available" for some "quality time." I told him no, I still have (TMI!) my period. And he said, "Still?" And I said, "Yes." My birth control pills? Really jack up my menstrual cycle. I hate them and I will be switching brands immediately (just as soon as I schedule that lady parts doctor appointment.) But I digress. And then Michael said, "That's not a period, that's an ellipsis!" Ha! Touché, honey. Touché.

I was reading Scarlett a new library book, Time Out, Buzzy, by Harriet Ziefert. I got no further than the very first page, in which we discover that Buzzy's mother tells him to eat his dinner and Buzzy crosses his arms and says, "I don't want to eat!" when Scarlett bursts out, "His family is mean to him!" WTF? Apparently, we are mean to her because we give her time outs. That's what I take from that. She knew where that story was headed.

Dear Coke, why do you torment me? Why are you so refreshing and yet so, so evil? I don't believe that you no longer add cocaine to your syrupy goodness, because you are more addictive than... than... okay, I've never tried drugs. But you are addicting. And these caffeine headaches are killing me. So stop, okay? If you loved me, you'd let me go.

Does anyone who has a family watch ABC Family? Please say no. You couldn't possibly. "A new kind of family" my ass. The shows they have on that channel? Do not count as family programming. In fact, I think they should rename it ABC Skanks. It'd be more honest.

Well. It is very late now (or is it very early?) and my head hurts, both from getting schooled by a teenager at Scrabble and the two Cokes that I was too weak to resist enjoyed along with it. Join me next Sunday for more "Kitchen Sink" (and in between for some mildly amusing anecdotes.) Zzzzzz....

The Kitchen Sink, Vol. One

I am thinking that Sundays might be an excellent day to start "kitchen sink" posts, in which I just kinda throw everything in there.

For those of you who saw my post about my sister, and my sister's initial (and subsequent) response, here is an update: we talked. And I talked with her grandmother, who saw my blog and emailed me. And even though it was emotionally draining? I feel much better. And while, sadly, my self-imposed Coke ban did not stand up to all that emotional drainage, I hope it will be the start of much more closeness with my sister.

If you are not my Facebook friend? You missed my awesome status update yesterday. It said: "So I was just squeezing honey into my mouth straight from the squeeze bottle? (Yes, I'm a child, meh.) And an air pocket in the bottle? Made the honey sploosh all over my face. You know how Marge Simpson laughs? That's how I laughed." It was very amusing. But my face was sticky.

I was thinking about the word "fugly" and how awesome it is. It's economical and yet, highly descriptive. So I started wondering, what new words could I make from combining 'fuck' and an adjective? Fuppity? It made me see the word "fusty" with fresh eyes (fucking musty? Is pretty much the definition of "fusty." Really. Go ask Merriam-Webster.) Sadly, I didn't come up with much more. My swearing is not all that imaginative. Sigh.

I learned that this orchid attracts bees by looking like a bee. Yowza. I hate bees.

For those of you who saw yesterday's post, here's an update: I saw Miss Babysitter today after work, to give her the money she is owed before she leaves. She was very apologetic. She told me how much she loved watching "the girls" and how when she came back (when? I was not aware a four-letter word could carry so much surprise and promise) she would love to see them. Hunh. I guess the move is not as permanent as it first appeared. But I still have to find a replacement. Sigh.

While I don't really have a favorite children's author, I do have a favorite illustrator! Whenever I am drawn to the illustrations in a book because they are just so-darn-sweet? I find that they are by Caroline Jayne Church. One of the books she has illustrated, called I Love You Through and Through, is Scarlett's bedtime favorite.

To borrow a bit of hyperbole from Allie Brosh, I would shank an infant for a snack right now. I have to go. But next Sunday? There will be more "Kitchen Sink."