Scarlett Words, or, The Swearing Loophole

Scarlett is fascinated by Mommy and Daddy's awesome grown-up right to swear. No matter how many times we explain to her that she will not be allowed to swear until she is a grown-up? She is always looking for a loophole.

In the car, as I am pulling into our parking space:

Scarlett: "Super WHY! said 'F' today. They said Daddy words."

Me: "Honey, lots of words have 'F' sounds without being Daddy words. You can say the letter 'F' or words with 'F' in them. You just can't say Daddy words."

Scarlett: "What are Daddy words?"

Me: "You know the difference between words that have the 'F' sound and Daddy words."

The conversation continues as we walk into the house and I fix Scarlett a sippy cup of juice and Sosie a bottle. Despite cranking the a/c on full blast, we are all damp and sweaty and in need of hydration.

Scarlett: "Can I have Scarlett words?"

Me, frowning: "What do you mean?"

Scarlett: "Words that only I can say."

Me: "I don't think you need your own words, honey."

Scarlett: "Why not?"

Me: "Because... you don't. You don't really get that mad."

Scarlett: "Yes I do." Really? She does. She gets very frustrated.

Me. Sigh: "Like what? What words would be Scarlett words?"

Scarlett, thoughtfully: "Can I say, 'Oh, cuttery'?"

Me: "Oh cuttery? That's what you want to say when you're mad?"

Scarlett nods enthusiastically. Oh my god this is priceless. I decide to get Michael in on this. "Do you hear what she's saying to me?"

Michael, Xboxily: "No, I can't hear her."

Me: "She's trying to negotiate Scarlett words with me. She wants her own swear words."

Michael: "Like what?"

Scarlett: "Oh, cuttery!"

Michael: "Hahahahahaha! You mean only Scarlett can say, 'Oh, cuttery'? Mommy and Daddy can't say that word?"

Scarlett, way proud: "Yes."

And so it is. Scarlett has her own swear word. Michael tested her on it several times. If she heard him utter the unspeakable oath? She came flying from wherever she was, "Daddy don't say that! Daddy you can't say that, Daddy!"

Scarlett has found the swearing loophole. It only took her three years to outsmart me. I am in big trouble.

Oh, cuttery, y'all.

Scarlett Saves the Day

Just when I start thinking I am a loser and I have nothing to post? Scarlett comes to my rescue.

The Scene: Scarlett is eating dinner. I have given her some milk in a sippy cup instead of her usual Capri Sun. I am puttering around, cleaning the kitchen.

Scarlett: "Mommy, can I have a 'Pri Sun?"

Me: "No, you need to drink your milk."

Scarlett: "Hunh?"

Me: "You need to drink your milk."

Scarlett: "What?"

Me: "Drink your milk!"

Scarlett: "Okay, Mommy." Pause. "Can I say Mommy and Daddy words if I grow big and strong and eat all my lunch?"

If you'll recall, "Mommy and Daddy words" is code for swearing. Apparently? We have taught our daughter that the only perk of being a grown-up is that you get to swear. A lot of days? I'm not sure I would argue with her.

"It was... soap poisoning!"

Since today is Scarlett's 3rd birthday? I was going to post the story of my labor. But then I decided that would be way boring. And I'm not even going to comment on the fact that yesterday's post got no comments. I believe that's called irony, y'all. Well played.

So, instead, I will post about how Michael has accused me of swearing too much in my blog.

He read yesterday's post, and he frowned. "Why are you using the F-word all the time? Shouldn't you have said Allie-freaking-Brosh, instead?"

WTF? "Why?" I said. "I swear in real life all the time."

For some reason? Michael was all skeptical. "You do?"

"Yes." Hello? Has he not known me for like, five years? I swear. "I typed the F-word, and then I erased it, and then I thought, 'No, that's how I would really say it,' so I put it back in."

"Say it," he said. Now he needs proof that I swear? So I say it. But when someone demands that you swear? You do not sound at all natural. He frowned. "I don't know, babe. It just doesn't seem like you."

"Did you read my post about making dinner? When I said I planned ahead like motherfucking adult?"

"Yeah. And I was like, 'Why is she swearing so much?'"

Sigh. "If I type out 'freaking' instead of saying the F-word? It looks retarded. Because that's not how I talk. And I'm talking to adults. Adults read my blog. Not five-year-olds." He shrugged. He didn't look convinced.

So apparently, I need my mouth washed out with soap. Sigh.

I remember in one of my Psychology classes, our professor would show us episodes of "Penn & Teller: Bullshit!" And one of them was about swearing. They spoke to this lady who had a campaign against using profanity in public places, and she had this cute little sign made up with "$*@!" and a "NO" symbol over it. She took the sign around to businesses and asked the owners to post it. And you know what else? She wanted people to stop using swear words. "If you have the urge to swear," she said, "you should say, Santa vaca!" And she proudly explained how that means "holy cow" in Spanish.

WTF? If everyone said Santa vaca when they wanted to swear? Then Santa vaca would be a swear word. Duh. But substitution seems to make people happy. It worked for Norman Mailer, who had to change every single "fuck" to "fug" to get The Naked and the Dead published. And Battlestar Galactica could say whatever the frak they wanted, as long as they were saying "frak."

I stewed over it all day long. I started thinking that maybe when Michael said my swearing sounded "wrong," what he really meant was that it sounds like I am trying too hard. Trying too hard to be funny. Trying too hard to be "cool." (I am so not cool.)

I am trying hard. I want my blog to be good. I want people to keep coming back, to see what I will say next. It's like in Juno, when Juno tells Paulie Bleeker that she's in love with him, and he asks whether she means she loves him as a friend, and Juno says, "No... I mean for real. 'Cause you're, like, the coolest person I ever met, and you don't even have to try, you know..." And then Bleeker says, "I try really hard, actually." Doesn't everyone try really hard, when something is important to them?