Thumbsucker

I am pretty sure Sosie is teething.

How do I know, you ask? Because she keeps gnawing on my hands like a new puppy. Every time I am holding her, she chews and chews and chews on my hand - fingers, sidepalm, knuckles, whatever - and makes little dissatisfied growly noises when her gums aren't gnawing to her satisfaction and she has to readjust. After about five seconds of this my hand is dripping with slobber. Awesome.

We have teethers. But Sosie is so not interested. I don't think Scarlett ever was either. She would much rather chew her fists, her blankets, or Mommy's hands. I was holding Sosie the other night, giggling at her hand-gnawing growliness, when I said to Michael, "Hey. They should make a fake hand teether. So babies can gnaw on hands without it being your actual hand."

Michael gave me that smirk and nod, the one that is supposed to convey to me that I am an adorable genius while he is really thinking I am such a moron that I must be humored or I might fly into a rage. I am all pleased at my adorable geniosity. I think about my... Finger-Teether? Hand-Gnawer? GnawPalm? Whatever, that's what people hire marketing firms for.

I imagine little babies clutching their teethers happily. They will look like they have their very own Thing from The Addams Family. Goth parents will go wild. I'll win over the masses with a glowing review in Parents magazine.

Only one thing is left to do on my path to inventive greatness: Google it and make sure it doesn't already exist.

Damn.

Apparently, I Need a Good Ass-Kicking.

So I was perusing Freshly Pressed today, and I came across this post. The basic idea is, you do a Google search for "your name" plus "needs" (i.e., "Megan needs") and then you record the first ten hits that come up. The only drawback is that if you have a very popular name, you will get lots of hits of other people posting their lists from three years ago. And if you have a very unique name, you might get nothing at all.

Megan Needs:
1. A very quiet home with few or no thunderstorms and lots of sunshine. (Ohhh yes please!)
2. To come back. (Aww, you miss me, do you?)
3. Facebook. (Do I need it, though?)
4. Update. (Yes, lots of updates!)
5. A theme song. (That would be so awesome!)
6. An ass-kicking, now!! (Yes, but why? And why the urgency? Can't we talk about this?)
7. A summer intern. (To do my laundry and clean all the things!)
8. Another ass-kicking. (People, violence is never the answer.)
9. Help in the area of responsiveness. (Responsiveness? To what?)
10. A millionaire. (Cha-ching!)

I also Googled Michael, Scarlett, and Sosie. Apparently, Sosie is so perfect that she needs nothing! Yay! I won't do the whole list for Michael and Scarlett, I will just share the highlights.

Michael Needs:
1. A girlfriend. (No he doesn't!)
2.To stay out of public restrooms. (Bwaaahahahahahahaha! Agreed!)
3. More photo time. (Yes! Stop deleting pictures of yourself! You are really, really ridiculously good-looking!)

Scarlett Needs
1. A clone to cope with a heavy workload. (Hahahaha! It is sooo tough playing all day and being cute. Plus also? She has a clone, and her name is Sosie.)
2. To watch out for "Nancy Stephens." (Who is this Nancy? Mama won't let her get to you, Scarlett!)
3. New music to like. (I guess we can't listen to the Laurie Berkner Band forever. Sigh.)

This was too much fun! I know what you're thinking right now... "I wish I was like you. Easily amused."