Kid Quips, Starring Scarlett

The Scene: Dinnertime. Scarlett has a plate of peas and pigs-in-a-blanket.

Me, seeing that Scarlett has a small scattering of peas and one piggie left: "You did a good job eating dinner, but you need to finish what's on your plate, okay?"

Scarlett: "Okay, Mommy."
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Scarlett: **busily smashes her peas into tiny green pancakes**

Michael: "Scarlett, quit smashing your peas and eat them."

***five minutes pass***

Scarlett: "Daddy, I'm done!"

Michael, seeing there are no peas left on the plate: "Great job, baby!"

***As he goes to let her out, her plate slides up on the high-chair tray to reveal some sneaky, stealthy smashed peas***

Michael: "Hey, you weren't really done."

Scarlett: "But I'm done now."


The Scene: Morning. I am getting ready to leave for work. I have styled my hair and put on my shirt, but my freshly-ironed pants are still waiting on my bed.

Scarlett: "Can I have my special cereal, Mom? With marshmallows?"

She means, of course, Lucky Charms. I say yes, fix her a bowl, and she sits in her high chair to eat it. I continue to scurry around, setting up a few bottles for Sosie to have while I am gone and cleaning up our mess from the night before. Scarlett watches while she eats marshmallowy goodness.

Scarlett gasps, her spoon halfway to her mouth. "Mommy! You almost got-for your pants!"

"Got-for" is how she says "forgot." I have no idea how this word - and only this word - got its dyslexic switcheroo in her mind. I have only halfheartedly tried to correct her. Why does my child believe I might leave the house without pants? Especially since I am very rarely pantsless inside the house? It is a mystery.


The Scene: I have spent the car ride home quizzing Scarlett about animal noises, e.g., "What does a cow say?" We tell Michael.

Michael: "What does a doggie say?"

Scarlett: "Woof, woof!"

Me: "What does Baby Sosie say?"

Scarlett: "Waaaaaah!"

Michael: "What does Mommy say?"

Scarlett: "Mommy say, 'Oh my gosh!'"

We grin. We think we are very clever.

Me: "What does Daddy say?"

Scarlett: "Umm... Daddy say, 'Fuck.'"

I laugh so hard that I am crying. Michael scolds me for laughing and "encouraging" her. Michael busily tries to brainwash Scarlett into responding, "Daddy says 'I love you very much!'" Fortunately - or is it unfortunately? The brainwashing has been successful.