Parenthood

Michael and I were watching the season finale of Parenthood a few nights ago - great update of the classic '80s comedy - and it really made me wonder: as a parent, will I forever be blamed for my child's mistakes?

In case you haven't been watching, here's the specific situation I'm referring to: teenaged cousins, (high-achieving) Haddie and (apathetic) Amber are fighting over a boy. This particular boy was Haddie's boyfriend. He was pressuring her to have sex. Haddie felt that she wasn't ready, so after talking it over with the more relationship-wordly Amber, she decided to break up with him. A week later? Amber sleeps with Haddie's ex. Burn!

There's more to it than that. Like that Amber and this boy actually like each other, and that Amber didn't mean for things to go down this way. But that doesn't matter because Haddie is pissed. And Haddie's parents, when they find out about it, are pissed on her behalf.

But who do Haddie's parents take it out on? Amber's mom!

It doesn't help that Amber's mom was/will-always-be-known-as the screwup of her family, sort of like Amber. She's used to being the one who's messed up. So when her brother and sister-in-law start giving her the cold shoulder? She acts like she deserves it.

But does she really? Amber's mom didn't encourage her to "steal" her cousin's boyfriend. Amber's mom found out about it the same time Haddie's parents did. After the fact. And she was just as horrified at her daughter's behavior. So how is it suddenly her fault?

Yes, we are responsible for teaching our children manners and morals. And for a while, we should cop it when they make mistakes. But when they're teenagers? And they are screwing up left and right? And it is over personal relationships, which they have only just begun to navigate? Is that really our fault?

Of course, they all made up by the end of the finale. An Amber's-run-away scare made everyone realize that family was what was really important. Haddie and Amber laughed and hugged. The parents' anger dissolved like a cube of sugar in the rain. All was well.

Maybe the situation was intensified because it involved family. But if Scarlett or Sosie ever "steals" someone else's boyfriend? I am so not taking the blame for that.

Jane Yolen Could Be My Bestest Friend

I used to work at a bookstore. The childrens' section was closest to the registers, and I primarily worked as a cashier. Mostly because I did not constantly bitch and moan about having to stand there all day. Like everyone else did. But I digress.

Every day, I would see customers go over to the childrens' section and talk to each other loudly about what storybooks you "had" to get. And you know what they were always talking about? Love You Forever by Robert Munsch. These customers (read: loud Southern ladies) would go on and on about how sweet this book is, how darling, how perfect it was.

At this point in my life I did not have children. So I mostly ignored them. But then? I became pregnant with the little bean that would become Scarlett. I started thinking about things like what storybooks I would read to her. So one day, I trotted over to the childrens' section, picked up this book, and looked to see what all the fuss was about.

And people? This is the creepiest book I have ever read. Seriously. It gave me the skeeves even worse than when I read Running With Scissors (which is surprisingly filthy for a bestseller that was made into a film.)

I don't often share my opinion of this book, because when I have, I have found it does not make me popular. When I told my best friend I thought it was creepy? She actually pouted. She pushed out her lip and said, "Awww, but it's so sweet." Okay. Never mind.

When a childrens' librarian recommended it to me and I said, "Actually I read it and I thought it was really creepy," she gave me this look like I was the one who was creepy. No, y'all. The book is creepy.

For a long time I thought I was alone on this. And then? I read this, in Take Joy: A Writer's Guide to Loving the Craft by awesome childrens' book author Jane Yolen: "You may adore Love You Forever, but I hear it as a story about an overbearing and smothering mother who infantilizes her son and can only tell him she loves him when he is fast asleep. I also contend that she drugs his cocoa. And that when the man's baby daughter wakes up sixteen years later and finds him fondling her in her room, she will be calling 911 and going into therapy." Bazinga!

Me and Jane, if we were ever to meet? We would be friends.

The Awesome Pledge: Epic Fail

Remember the Awesome Pledge? Yeah, it didn't work out.

I thought it was going well until this morning... duhn-duhn-DUHNNNN. I wake Scarlett up so we could get ready to go to Miss Babysitter's, and she had peed in her bed. Nooooooo. And after I removed the strategically-placed towel from under her sheet because I was convinced she had the Nighttime Bladder of Steel!

Sigh. No time to get worked up over it. Pop the sheets in the washer, blah blah blah, leave for the day.

Fast-forward to this evening. Scarlett and Sosie are watching Max & Ruby. I am in the bedroom, folding the laundry, when I hear Scarlett start yelling something. I come into the hallway and see that she is standing in front of the couch, peeing on the floor. She is frozen in mid-pee. She cannot run to the bathroom, although that is probably for the best, or there would be a trail of pee for me to clean up instead of one spot. Sigh.

Get a towel, grumble grumble. Clean up the pee, grumble grumble. Give Scarlett a bath, grumble grumble. How could the Awesome Pledge have gone wrong? I was so sure that it would work - it was all positivity and self-esteem-affirmingness! Isn't that what parents are supposed to do these days?

On another note, I have noticed a way that Sosie declares her love for me. What is it, you ask? How does a two-month-old show you she loves you? She only poops when she's home with me.

That's right! Her little gummy smiles are great, but she gives them to everybody. Her dirty diapers? She saves those for me. **swells with pride**

Cranky Pants

It is ten o'clock in the morning, and I already want a Coke.

I decided to give up Coke at nine o'clock, when I bought sushi and a bottled water for breakfast from the grocery store. Now I have had my sushi and bottled water, and while it was delicious, I still want a Coke. Sigh.

I am trying a new clear-skin diet, because I am tired of looking like a pizza-face. I am tired of getting headaches and feeling like crap. I would like to be healthy and have clear skin and awesome hair. Apparently this involves eating a lot of seafood. I was supposed to have salmon for breakfast. I don't have salmon because I don't have food at my house - and if I did, there certainly would not be salmon. There would be Coke.

There is no food at my house because I did not feel like going to the grocery store yesterday. I had a headache, I was wearing my cranky pants, and I just wanted to be left alone. Alone did not happen.

Scarlett follows me. Everywhere. Even if I am just going across the living room. If I stop and turn around too fast? I will fall right over her. I have tried to tell her that she doesn't need to follow me. Apparently, she disagrees.

Sosie needs to eat. She needs clean bottles to eat. She needs boiled water to make formula to eat. She needs me to hold her to eat. She needs me. She needs to eat. Again.

Michael comes home and wants to lay on me. I want him to get away. He stays. And he calls Scarlett over to hug me too. Sosie is already hugging me - she just ate. Why do these people love me? Can't they tell that I am wearing my cranky pants? And that I have pizza-face and unawesome hair? What is wrong with them?

I have to go to the grocery store today. I still don't want to. I'm feeling another headache coming on. And when I go home? There will be Coke. Coke I am not supposed to drink. And pizza. Pizza like my face. Sigh.

I might need a bigger pair of cranky pants.

What's A Grown-Up?

This morning, I am helping Scarlett get dressed. While she puts her pants on, she tells me, "Mommy, Daddy said his words."

"Mommy and Daddy words" are what we call swear words. The ones that Daddy says every time he is playing the Xbox, and the ones that Mommy says whenever she drops something. Which is quite often. On both counts.

I decided some time ago that when it came time for Scarlett to try to repeat these words, I would not call them "bad words."

My logic? Calling them "bad words" might make them more appealing. And, if they are "bad" then you have your toddler telling you that you said a bad word. Toddlers understand what "bad" is. Do you need your toddler getting on to you every time you drop an F-bomb? I don't. Especially not as many times as I happen to drop them.

So I said, "It's okay if Daddy said his words. Daddy is allowed to say them because he's a grown-up."

Scarlett's little eyebrow shot up. "What's a grown-up?"

Me: "Mommy and Daddy are grown-ups." And y'all? I said that with a straight face.

Scarlett: "But what is a grown-up?" Darn. She's onto us.

Me: "Grown-ups are big and strong and they do stuff like go to work and drive cars and pay bills."

Scarlett: "Can I pay bills, Mommy?"

Me: "When you're a grown-up, you can." But you'll wish you didn't have to, I don't add.

She trots off to dance to something on Lazytown. I hate Lazytown. But I digress.

Y'all? I don't feel like a grown-up. I still feel like I'm 12 years old. When you're a kid, you think grown-ups have all the answers. You think you'll hit that magic age where you will suddenly have it all together and always know the best thing to do. And then you grow up and you realize it's never going to happen. Nobody knows anything. They are just making it up as they go along.

I really hope I'm making up the right things.

The Awesome Pledge

I have had to clean up pee three times in the last two days. W.T.F.

Scarlett is potty-trained. She usually does so well. She never has accidents at night. But occasionally? She will have an accident during the day. Usually on the bathroom floor right in front of the toilet, because she didn't manage to get there quite fast enough.

Usually? I am understanding. I don't get mad. I clean up the mess, I clean her up, and I tell her that she needs to go potty on the toilet next time. All calm and the like.

Last night, she peed on the floor right before bedtime. I was understanding. She seemed to not be feeling well. I let it slide.

This morning, it happened again. This is unusual. I was kind of mad. I tried not to yell too much. I cleaned it up and I cleaned her up, and we went about our day.

Tonight? She did it again. W.T. F.

I was very, very mad. I could not immediately put her in the bath because I was feeding Sosie. I had Scarlett sit on the toilet until I could come and deal with it. When I did come back to the bathroom, I did not yell. But I talked very loudly about cleaning up pee, and big girls needing to go on the toilet, and how she was not going to have anything else to drink for the remainder of the night, and how she would never be allowed to wear shoes in the house again because they were slowing her down when she had to take her bottoms off to get onto the toilet, and so on. I was very, very mad.

After we took a dual shower so I could clean her up (again!) I felt bad about being mad. But I was still mad. Why all of a sudden is she peeing on the floor? I know she is capable of making it to the toilet. There has to be some kind of reason!

Normally? I would analyze and come up with a reason, and then try to talk to her about it or fix it. But you know what? I don't have time for that. She has to stop peeing on the floor immediately.

I say to her, "Scarlett? The reason that Mommy gets so frustrated when you pee on the floor? It's because I know you can do better than that. Because you are awesome at going potty." Her eyes light up. I hold up my palm. "I want you to tell me, 'Mommy, I'm awesome and I pee on the potty!' and then give me a high-five!"

She repeats it. She high-fives. She seems excited. I hope this works. But she's still not getting a drink with her dinner.

Things I Need But Am Too Embarrassed to Buy

You know how when you go to the store and you buy certain things, you feel like people will be all judgy? Or you buy some things that are perfectly innocent on their own, but combined on the checkout conveyor belt they seem... interesting?

Like if you needed whipped cream, batteries, a disposable camera, and Vaseline?

Are you getting ready for a wild night of monkey love?

OR....

Are you getting ready for a Halloween party? (Whipped cream for the pie, batteries for your stereo so you can play spooky sounds, a disposable camera to capture all those wacky costumes, and Vaseline to keep your carved pumpkins from rotting! Yaaay!)

But some things are not innocent all on their own. Some things are so embarrassing that I wouldn't buy them no matter how badly I was suffering. Like:

1. Beano

This product would sooo help me. My husband says when he comes to bed after I am already asleep and he lifts up the covers? A rancid cloud of trapped gas hits him square in the face. (I have no idea what he is talking about.) Beano could help me get some extra sleep-cuddles. But will I buy it? No. I don't want everyone in the store thinking I'm farty. I'm not. I swear.

2. Anti Monkey Butt Powder

Hunh. So that's what people call it. Monkey Butt.

When I noticed this on the shelves while I was waiting on antibiotics for Scarlett at the Walmart pharmacy counter? I was afraid to even laugh because I didn't want anyone to notice me looking at it. I will also not be buying this one, no matter how great the website says it is. Nope.

3. Moist Wipes Emblazoned with the Brand Name of a Toilet Paper, Such as Cottonelle

No thank you. I will continue to buy value-sized boxes of baby wipes, ahem, for my newborn. They do the same job, but make people picture sweet little baby bottoms instead of the alternative.

4. Preparation H

There's a reason "the H" makes lists of most-shoplifted products. I think it has to do with the word "preparation." Imagine if there was a brand of tampons called "Preparation V." I think I would have to object. Calling it "the H" almost makes it sound cool. Genius, right?

5. Adult diapers

Okay, so I don't need these right now. And I did read an article in this month's Parents magazine in which comedian Jay Mohr asserts they are awesome. But when I do need them? I doubt I will be buying them. Unless it is 2 minutes before store closing and there is no one there but a bunch of cashiers who are too busy staring at the clock to notice what the old lady is buying. Maybe then.